Perhaps one of the most valuable parts is her exploration of submission vs. equality in a Christian marriage. I know several very devout Christian women who adhere to some form of submissiveness in their marriage in an effort to fufill what they see as God's will. They cite Ephesians and Genesis. They use analogies like CEO and CFO. They talk about the practicalities of the husband's choice being the "tie-breaker" when they can't come to an agreement.
Holly herself had a long period of her marriage where she followed this concept. She would give her opinion to her husband and then leave the decision making up to him. Of course you can only imagine how much resentment this approach can cause over time. Then when she searched the catechism and papal encyclicals for the specifically Catholic approach to submission to marriage she was surprised to discover that there was no such provision.
On the contrary, again and again it is stressed that without equality there can be no real communion in marriage but also that both partners are called to the self-sacrifice and submission to vocation that is required by love.
In other words, the opposite of a shrewish wife isn't a submissive one...it is a partner willing to improve herself and her call to love as much if not more than she is desirous to change the thoughts and actions of her husband.
While I've never really followed the concept of a submissive wife, I do have a habit of throwing up my hands in certain situations and saying (if only in my head), okay, YOU deal with it. What a wonderful alternative to that. We are called to work together, with egos in check, to progress to our mutual goals.
The other nugget that I loved was this one:
I realized that I have no right to try to control my husband, because it wasn't reasonable to dictate to a grown man how he should live his life, what TV shows he could and could not watch, or what he was allowed to think or feel.
I added my own list to hers. I have no right to dictate how:
- The dishwasher should be loaded
- What he should eat for a healthy diet
- How he should handle his relationships with other people
Finally, she gets to how to incorporate these concepts into one's rule. Basically, make sure to set aside time to nurture these virtues in marriage. For me that means giving my husband first priority once the boys are asleep at night. We've discovered that there are very few television shows that we like equally so while he will tolerate an episode of Medium and I will watch a basketball game with him, it helps to also have a few things that we can both do together that doesn't always feel like submission to the other.
For us, reading aloud has been a big hit. I usually do most of the reading and we often stop to discuss the story, the characters and how it relates to our lives. Sometimes we talk about the technique of the author or how easy or difficult it is to read the sentence structure while sight reading. We really enjoyed A River Runs Through It but the author's winding style kept me on my read-aloud toes. We had a good laugh about how the author portrays the conflict and tension in his marriage that is far outweighed by mutual love. Right now we are working our way through a few Sherlock Holmes stories. We are also in search of some board games that will interest us both.
In addition to being entertaining, I find these activities to be very beneficial to making me a more loving and giving wife and make me happier in my marriage. I think there is some wisdom in Holly Pierlot's focus on Prayer and Person prior to addressing Partner. If I am keeping up with my relationship with God and making sure my basic personal needs are met, I'm much more likely to choose the loving action in my marriage over the selfish one.
